Relationships between parents and their grown kids can be incredibly meaningful when worked on intentionally. But too often, old habits of speaking and interacting stand in the way of parents and children forging and maintaining mutually fruitful relationships.

A sitcom is not a sitcom without a nagging mother pressuring her adult children to call or visit home more often. The choreography is always the same, with the mother applying pressure for greater contact through passive aggression, outward hostility, or persistent complaints.

Bringing a romantic partner home for the first time is a right of passage for many. In that act, a person decides to merge the family that created them with the family they are creating for themselves. But bringing together those two realities can be messy.

How often should adult children call their parents? The question crosses racial, ethnic, and cultural boundaries and sits at the heart of many heated family arguments and hurt feelings.

Nobody revels in the prospect of having difficult conversations. Confronting a friend or family member about a rude comment feels deeply uncomfortable. Disagreements with an ex-spouse can feel excruciating.

Complicating matters, during arguments, each partner may feel loyal both to their future spouse and their family. When a future spouse and a parent disagree about the religious nature of the ceremony, for example, the partner may feel compelled to both defend their parents and defend their partner. In that process, somebody’s feelings can get hurt. Weddings force couples to draw lines in the sand and declare their loyalty to one another while managing delicate family ties.

The statistics can feel disheartening and leave children of divorce feeling helpless. But before you throw up your hands, let’s examine this phenomenon more closely to understand the why behind the statistics. It is not enough to say that divorce begets divorce; statistics alone fail to address the mechanisms of transition and ultimately tell couples how they can insulate themselves against this risk.

Relationships with family members come not only from biological bonds but also from the bonds of maintained connection. When secrets enter a family, they can either enhance or undermine that connection. Benign family secrets that can increase closeness include things like children sharing a “secret” language from their parents or family units sharing inside jokes and traditions. The secrets are rooted in joy and intimate sharing of knowledge.

For some, going home to visit family means signing up for a string of difficult family dinners, events, and conversations encounters that replay old family dynamics and arguments. Rather than joy, comfort, and connectedness, feelings of anxiety, frustration, and helplessness prevail as you step back into your childhood home. But preparation, the proper mindset, and support systems can ease and even entirely change the tenor of your family experience.